The one where I search for an Eskimo Pie....

Just a quickie today, My Little Snowflakes…Oh, and sorry for being late.  2 posts in one week has proven to be too taxing on my fingers which are sore from completing two pull-ups sans chair yesterday.  Yep – during which, one eye popped completely out of its socket.  Part of my ability to survive the early stages of this weight loss program has been my capacity to laugh at my jiggling jowls, and find humor somewhere in the occasional collapse of my legs or my inability to lift a piece of tracing paper after some days.  I like to laugh.  Who doesn’t?  Every so often, something will come along that transcends anything you have ever found funny.  For me, it came this week.  Be forewarned, it is the lowest of the lowbrow.  Yet, I laughed so hard, my stomach was almost too weak to complete the ab-ripper workout.  How could it be more lowbrow than this foolishness I keep churning out every week?  Fair question, I will let you decide.  The headline may be all you need to read.

Pigs Will Eat The Poop Right Out Of Your Butt 

The genius of Drew Magary is his ability to let his readership’s own douchebaggery shine through.  Well played, Magary.  Well played, indeed.  ONTO THE 5 THINGS!

5 Things I Learned This Week

1)      Thanks to reader “Kelly @ Dare to be Domestic” who pointed out to me that certain workouts have a bonus round that Tony Horton sneakily slips in at the end.  He’ll say something like:

“Okay, we have ourselves a little bonus round now, you can skip this, or you can keep going straight through to the cool down.”

WHA, a bonus round?  HOOORRRTTTOOONNN!!  If the workout is 58 minutes long, than just make us suffer for 58 minutes.  Don’t give us the fucking option!

What purpose does this even serve?  You see, I am a subscriber in the 20-60-20 rule: it plays out like this; if you give fat people the option to pussy out of actually pushing their body to the limit:

20% will push themselves to the brink of a complete detonation of the heart, and a Chernobyl meltdown of the arteries.

60% of fat people will start the bonus round, and then go have an Eskimo Pie

20% of people will not even start the fucking bonus round, and then go and have TWO Eskimo pies out of spite. 

After hearing this from Kelly, and knowing I had the option – I was in the first 20% - because I am a dumbass, and a glutton for pain.  It actually has gotten quite weird.  I have developed this craving for the pain usually reserved in the Seventh Circle of Hell for child molesters, lawyers, rapists, and Tony Horton.  It’s not that I want to work out, because I still try and forestall every workout.  I just reach a point in every session where I think

            “FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!”

Then I just keep going.  I’ve never had that feeling, and I’m having trouble wrapping my mind around it.    

2)      In the plyometrics workout – there is a guy with one leg.  He literally has one whole leg and prosthesis on the other leg.  First of all, I must say – prosthetics nowadays are pretty impressive.  Way nicer than the arm on Sykes from The Fugitive.  

I mean, look at that thing!  It looks like a G.I. Joe Kung Fu-Grip Hand!  How could Richard Kimble’s wife not fight this guy off?  Isn’t that thing like shitty latex or something?  It’s always bothered me.  Anywhoo, it's just another reason why Horton is a taint.  Way to make us fatties feel even more inferior than we already do, Cornhole! 

“Hey you there – Thunder Thighs – check this out!  This guy has one leg, and he is whupping that pudgy ass of yours!  What’s the matter, Man-Boobs?  Too many Eskimo Pies?"

So, my hatred for Horton has now spread like a bad case of gonorrhea to this one legged bastard plowing through this workout with no problem.  Moreover, as I stare at his stupid face hoping my gaze sets fire to his soul, I am suddenly struck by recognition of epic proportions.  The guy with one leg is Eric Stolhanske from Broken Lizard!  He portrayed such cinema classics as Rabbit, in Super Troopers!

     

  

“HEY!  BEAR FUCKER!  DO YOU NEED HELP!”

He also played Todd Wolfhaus in “Beerfest!”

Here he is, in P90X, in his entire one-legged glory.

A quick web search shows that I am not the first person to make this discovery, and no word on how he lost the leg.  It’s a good thing “Beerfest” won the Oscar for Best Movie Ever Made, or else I would have lost my shit watching this one-legged bastard outwork me through such quadriceps-ripping exercises as “Frog- Squats, or “Rock Star Jumps.”  Even the names annoy me, Horton.  I want to shove an Eskimo Pie up your stupid butthole.  In any case, hatred diverted away from hopalong guy.  Here’s to you, one-legged Erik Stolhanske!

3)      I take a lot of water breaks.  I mean a lot. 

“Oh man, my water cup is 1/8 of the way empty, I should take a break and go fill it up!”

Whenever I go, I pause the DVD.  I am now taking pride in my ability to pause on a screen shot of Tony Horton’s face in some contorted pose as if his face is in the middle of melting like the guy from Raiders of the Lost Ark.  This has become somewhat of an obsession.  If I fail to catch him making a face like he’s masturbating when no one else is home, then I feel like I’ve wasted a workout.  Here is the doozy I captured yesterday during Kung Fu Ass Panda!

4)      In the blink of an eye, I’ve lost 15 lbs.  It kind of snuck up on me.  All of a sudden, I can wear something other than black t-shirts to hide me front-butt.  So, the wardrobe has now expanded to include navy-blue t-shirts!  Hey, Rome wasn’t built in a day, people.  I’m not quite ready to expand into brighter colors.  I’m not looking to be cast as The Kool-Aid Guy in a live action commercial any time soon, ok?  Before, the “slimming” effects of a black t-shirt made me look like a fat guy trying to mask his fatty fatness.  Now, a black t-shirt actually makes me appear less corpulent!  Woo-hoo!  Eskimo Pie to celebrate!

5) I decided to incorporate a multi-vitamin into the ol’ diet plan, and..wow it makes the pee YELLOW.  Not goldenrod, not Dandelion, not Canary, Crayola would have to invent a new color for this level of yellowness.   I’m pretty sure that Coldplay song was about my pee.  Man, the next time I eat asparagus, it is going to be sensory overload in there…

“Soo bright, I must shield my eyes!  So stinky I must shield my nose!”

My wife, 20 minutes later: “What the hell happened in here!?  There is pee on the toilet paper roll…AND ON THE MAGAZINES!”

That's all Boys, and Girls!  Be back on Thursday!

Questions, Comments, Concerns, Political Statements, Songs, Poems, Rock Anthems, Power Ballads, or Haiku's?  Drop an email to bcbarmore@gmail.com